eggstasy: ([khr; zombiemoto]  OH FU-)
eggstasy ([personal profile] eggstasy) wrote2012-01-23 12:18 pm

(no subject)

So my brain's been doing something weird.

I've always had a very vivid imagination. Even from wayyy back when I was a little girl, I could sometimes imagine things so clearly that describing them to my parents they thought I was telling the truth. That's nothing new. If my imagination is in overdrive, whatever I'm picturing might as well be sitting right in front of me for how detailed and perfectly I can picture it in my mind's eye.

Of course, my eyeballs and the eyeball-receptor processing shit (whatever) parts of my brain are going "no you silly thing there is nothing there, that is a blank hallway" but then my imagination goes "BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT THAT HALLWAY LET ME PUT SOMETHING IN IT; HERE." And all of a sudden it's like "holy shit that is so vivid that I could easily blink my eyes and it could be there, that's how real that looks. Good job imagination."

This is usually very good for me. Helps me write and visualize and world-build.

This is bad when I get scared.

I actually never used to be this much of a scaredy cat. There are a couple certain things that creep me out, but very rarely have I ever been scared enough that it's affected my daily life or my ability to sleep or anything like that. I'll turn on a lamp and be okay. I'll get scared by someone, jump and then laugh about it later. Being scared has never been much of a milestone in my life. There have been a couple of instances; Slenderman scared the fuck out of me, but once I finished the videos it wasn't so bad. Paranormal Activity freaked me out, but again in a week or so I was over it. The trailer for The Human Centipede was creepy but like the others, I got over it. That one monster from Pan's Labyrinth scared me but Akai helped me get over that. I was good.

I dunno what happened to change that (my friend linked me to a screamer* a few months ago, not knowing how badly it would frighten me, and I think that could be what did it) but now I am absolutely terrified of what my mind can picture. Most often in the dark; not because I'm afraid of the dark itself, I actually really like the dark and night time, but because it's harder to see in the dark and easier to be snuck up on.

I can't walk down hallways that are dark behind me without looking over my shoulder. I can't look into dark rooms, much less walk into them. I'm both afraid to turn on the light and afraid not to have it on. I have to sleep with my lamp on or my laptop on so there's light in the room. I frightened myself the other night just picturing a hand sliding out from beneath my flat mattress (it's lying directly on the ground) to grab at my blanket. I picture things in the dark. I even scared myself making a face in the mirror, because my brain grabbed that image and ran with it.

Strangely enough, I'm not having nightmares.

Anyway, it's not a totally bad thing and it's not like I can't walk into a dark room and turn on the light, it just frightens me every time I have to do it. And I'm not losing sleep over it, so really this whole thing is just a huge inconvenience.

It's also fucking great for my writing. I'm starting to very much enjoy writing in the horror genre.

I just thought it was strange that with very little prompting, my brain became capable of this. Occasionally I wonder if something's wrong with me, but it's not like anything has ever happened in my life to make me behave this way. I've had probably one of the most stable childhoods in the history of childrearing. I've never experienced any kind of violence, any kind of concentrated hatred, any crippling discrimination; my life's been good. My brain just decided to start scaring me, for whatever reason.

I'm hoping this'll blow over eventually, but then again I kind of hope it doesn't. I'm in the middle of a horror story that's turning out pretty good.

*A Korean ghost story comic that had very abrupt movement and sound.