eggstasy: ([spn; castiel] angel got soul.  PATCH.)
eggstasy ([personal profile] eggstasy) wrote2012-09-07 09:55 pm

(no subject)

Y'know, I always thought I was a shitty dancer. I figured it was because I had poor balance and was somewhat clumsy, but I think those were just excuses I was using to cover up thinking something more self-loathing.

No, I'm pretty sure I thought I was a shitty dancer for other reasons.

I thought I was crap at dancing because my older sister Eloise was better than I was. When it came time for our parents to decide whether Eloise or I would pursue dance, they picked Eloise because she had promise; I wasn't a huge fan of dancing anyway so it wasn't a big deal to me but it got the message across pretty loud and clear. I already had a huge inferiority complex when it came to my older -and younger- sisters, so I'm pretty sure that stamped a big "you won't ever be anywhere near as good as she is so don't even try" on my ego, which led me to avoid dancing in her presence and then in front of anyone because I didn't want to look stupid. I felt stupid enough; no need to exacerbate it.

I thought I was crap at it because I'm overweight, and have been since...sheesh. Since elementary school, I'd say probably since third grade? Maybe even earlier. It's given me a ton of body image issues. "Nobody wants to see a fat girl dance," I thought, and just in case I was starting to doubt that, popular media and my peers were more than happy to remind me through examples. Nobody likes to see a fat girl dance even if she's good at it, because subconsciously ingrained into the minds of many a young teen is the notion that dancing is supposed to be sexy. Fat girls aren't sexy, says society, and I bought it hook, line and sinker. How is anybody not supposed to? Girls are only as good as their looks, and mine were a -2 on a 1-10 scale. Dancing would just make it worse.

So for a really long time, I just did not dance. I hated it actually, really fucking hated it. It isn't until recently, maybe in the past couple years, that I've let myself dance (occasionally even in front of other people) and enjoyed it. More than that, I'd watch videos of a lot of talented dancers (more street-style than anything, pop-and-lock, stunts, etc) and think, "God damn I want to do that."

I really wanna do that. I still wanna learn how to do that.

So I decided that the first thing I need to do (besides get in better shape, an uphill battle at best) is watch myself dance in the mirror. I need to get used to what I look like dancing so I can tell what I'm bad at, what I'm okay at and if there's anything new I can do that I don't see a lot of others doing. In doing that, I've discovered a few things about myself:

1) I've got really good rhythm (makes sense, since I'm musically inclined anyway).

2)I'm actually kind of good at dancing.

3) I'm actually kind of sexy when I dance.

These three things astounded me.

I suppose I could reflect on those and hate my childhood, or hate the society and people that forced those lies into my own head. I could hate my sister for overshadowing me or my parents for not instilling good exercise and eating habits into me. I guess I could hate myself for not discovering these things until I'm twenty-six.

But I don't think I do. No, mostly I'm happy.

So I'mma go have a dance party. o/ Peace out.

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